Combating Nightmares in 4 Easy Steps

In this day and age, with our gym memberships, ambiguous definitions of irony,  and vitamin b supplements, the vividness of the average dream is tenfold what it was when the first empirically rigorous sleep studies were conducted by misogynist chainsmokers in the 1950s. While many modern individuals are able to sop up all of that unconscious gravitas and use it to effectively pad their social media streams and top off their inflated sense of self-worth (applying lucid meaning to obvious nonsense), there is always the question of what to do with those not so good dreams.

From, “Oops there’s a zombie!” wake-up-panting-ers to “oops there’s a zombie that resembles the family member whose death I always secretly blamed myself for” nightmares.

There’s good news and bad news to consider here. Firstly, unlike those aforementioned cognitive casseroles we assign positive and uplifting meaning to,NIGHTMARES ARE REAL. The good news is that you don’t have to just lie there and take it (though you can if you want to!) Here’s what you can do to stay safe:

REM sleep begins roughly 90 minutes after the sleep cycle begins, with the REM portion of the sleep cycle getting longer and longer as the night wears on. The trick here is to never sleep more than 60 minutes at a time. The easiest way to achieve this goal is to have an alarm set to wake you up every 110 minutes, at which point you will drink two full pints of water. Every hour, before you are corrupted by the dream-studded REM cycle, the spreading warmth of your own urine will gently bring you back to consciousness. Simply hop into a fresh bed(you’ll need one for each hour of sleep you care to get) and repeat the process. Easy, right? If it doesn’t seem easy that’s not my fault, it means you’ve been spoiled. Downgrade your cell phone and boyfriend to regain proper karmic balance and retry the process after waiting one ‘cleansing week’. 

A recent info-graphic released by international think-tank The School Academy  shows that nearly 90% of adult american men have had this particular anxiety dream by the time they reach their mid-twenties:

“The dreamer is struck with an overwhelming urge to masturbate (within the dream world) but is shocked to find they have no hands to work with”

*The School Academy: True and Correct ; vol 3. issue 17

This is the origin of the colloquialism “stumped” because, what do you do in that situation? What DO you DO? The answer, simply, is don’t let the dream win. You go on and grit your dream-teeth, cradle your dream-dick in your dream-stumps and treat the simplest pleasure like the medical procedure it really is. Because, guess what? You might have a terrible time, but so will the nightmare. Yes, it DOES have a consciousness separate from yours. (* more on this below, keep reading!) 

At least three times a week. Something your great-grandad knew is that these animals simply don’t have nightmares. While (at press time) there is no conclusive peer-reviewed meta-data to point to, a correlation between consumption of the so-called “doctorate mollusks” and a reduction in bad dreams is widely recognized. It is important to note that those studies which show statistically significant links suggest that the entire animal must be consumed to see the desired effect. The human-like eye is likely the most important part as this is the undisputed seat of the mollusk soul. Much like the “pen”, the “soul” of the mollusk can serve the same purpose as its namesake. Be sure to put on a smock, it’ll get everywhere!